H is 4.
He has an older brother G who is 7.
G is H’s hero.
G is autistic.
H has to navigate this.
But, how? The first thing you need to know about this preschooler is that he has emotional intelligence in bucket loads; isn’t it funny.
“I felt so much glee in his sadness, this was neurotypical behaviour!”
Let me explain what emotional intelligence is and why it’s so helpful in this situation. Recently on World Book Day H didn’t want to dress up, it’s just not really how we roll at home, you know what with G’s sensory needs we don’t have much call for synthetic suits that “itch, scratch and suffocate” creating general mayhem to our already chaotic lives, so opportunities are limited for him. However, we have accumulated a few outfits over the years, generic marvel ones I wouldn’t even be able to tell you who they are, let’s say Captain America. H goes to preschool in top and joggers, standard kit, upon opening the door a bunch of very enthusiastic kids greet him all in their favourite characters ready to cheer the next animated joiner. Their faces changed as they were puzzled by H’s lack of a costume. He looked at them, he looked at me, and his face fell, he had made a social misjudgment, he knew it, he wouldn’t fit in today.
As a mum who had never seen that level of awareness from their eldest his crestfallen expression was delightful. I felt so much glee in his sadness, this was neurotypical behaviour! This was all conveyed in a split-second. Of course, I had his outfit in the bag and he rapidly put it on in the hall happily and trogged into class fitting-in once more delighted with himself, the full piece ready to fit in and be a superhero for the day. I feel bad that I care, or am relived, so much that he has these neurotypical responses. I know I shouldn’t, so sorry for the honesty, but when you have a child who is confused to the point of distress by social cues it is such a relief, to be able to help him navigate the world quickly and with impact. I wait for the day I can do this for G.
“Toys are not to be played with as intended, but to be lined up and ranked”
So on the whole he navigates G’s demands well. But what demands?
- H must always be sure that whatever toy he picks up at home belongs to him and not his brother, otherwise there will be intense howling and full body shaking if G sees.
- When they play H must ask Gs permission to play and enquire about the rules of the game first.
- Often toys are not to be played with as intended, but to be lined up and ranked in order of size, or strength or ferocity.
- He also needs to be adept at when to stop playing, when to call it a day and to slope off and find something else. G gets heightened when he plays any game for too long no matter what it is no matter who it is with. He cannot stop himself, in any way. Stopping is something that has to be done to G, after all it’s can’t not won’t.
It’s hard to explain to H why the rules are different with G. We still haven’t named G’s differences as autism, this is something we are building up to and G’s play therapist is adeptly paving the way. He now can see his differences and talk about them in different safari animals and sometimes name their needs. But his connection with the words autism or ADHD has not come with it, despite saying the characteristics that each of those animals displays and knowing they are autistic. It doesn’t really matter either way to whether he makes the connection or not. But it’s his target set by an array of experts and we are told that it is his target to recognize his autism and that it’s important for his development in navigating the world. H seems ok with it all, he rarely gets offended, his nature is pretty easy going and he has to ‘fit in’ with Gs world as guess what, it’s his world too.
They have a lovely relationship some of the time; some of the time G “hates” his little brother for no real reason, perhaps other than he stirred up an emotion he can’t place, jealousy, usually. But he can equally love him as fiercely. The beauty of autism. He has never drawn a picture without H, and his cats, being in it and he values family above everything- despite screaming how much he especially “hates his mum” during most bedtimes.
“Maybe he will become and advocate for G”
H’s preschool are awesome they knew G too and understand the behaviours he has to navigate at home. They reinforce the rules for him at preschool and are great at communicating when he has exhibited a “learned behaviour from big brother” and then they try and correct it. It is these people you need in your corner, the straight talkers who ‘get it’. They know all you want is to try your best for both of them and this looks different for each, they need different things and different expectations and H must learn his. For H he doesn’t get all the continuous interaction attention and support because he doesn’t demand it; he quietly bowls along and find his way. I respect that and am so proud of him. He is independent and capable but it hurts my heart when I realize the lack of engagement he gets in comparison, not only is he the younger brother his older brother is all consuming and demanding and he gets a raw deal, and I’m sorry.
The guilt never ends.
Even down to the red early years’ book, we have folders and folders of paperwork on G and a solitary red book that wasn’t even engaged with to put his jabs and weight in it. I think he once had antibiotics, once; G has them practically weekly and still does because with autism you don’t just get the behaviors, it usually comes with complex other health disorders. With G it is because he can’t communicate how he feels inside from a health way so was always very sick before we realized and had recurrent immunization and ear issues.
“It’s hard to parent not as you’d have chosen to”
There are some good parenting books out there for siblings, such as He’s not naughty and My brother has autism, and we try to use them. But the ultimate thing is that to H G is not different he’s the only big brother he knows and he loves him beyond everything and he just want to be like him. It’s hard to parent not as you’d choose to under different circumstances, to have high expectations, standard family meal times, with healthy fayre, there would be sports clubs and music lessons and play dates and and and… of course we want to do this for H but he sees his big brother ‘getting away’ with so much and I feel for him.
I also feel for us as a family, the non stop judgement (of course folk aren’t judging us when were out and about – only they are!) and the public displays of pacification, sensory moves to help G quickly regulate and the loud squawking noise, cute…ish, whilst he’s a kid, but what happens when… what happens when? what happens when? what happens when? you drive yourself mad these questions bring madness, you can’t control and you can’t really plan, you just have to accept the moment take your opportunities and hope for the best. And poor old H gets dragged along to the theatre, swimming, bowling, soft play, not when he wants but when everything is going in the right direction for G.
There must be a better way – please let me know of it! It’s so hard to surrender to being this parent, all the aspirations, hopes and goals out the window because you can’t parent two ways at once, that way also lies madness. You have to have a crazy hybrid approach where you have short sharp asides in a car park out of ear shot of G laying down expectations for H and explaining that we do not copy G today.
I wonder how school will go in September, when H is confronted with G’s difference is a public way more frequently. I wonder if he will get embarrassed like he did on World Book Day when he regretted his morning decision not to get changed. Or perhaps he will become another advocate for G, after all he’s an expert and he does defend him when we are out and about in soft play. “Oh get off him, that’s my brother” H is known to shout. I understand that is a big expectation to place on young shoulders, but it’s my hope that as they grow up H keeps looking up to G and admiring the fierce fragility he personifies and advocates for him too.
